I’ve tried to understand polyamory and tbh I’ve come to the conclusion that poly relationships can only exist when there isn’t TRUE and deep love between the original two partners or at least one loves the other more than the other. Every open/poly relationship I have ever seen has ended horribly because one person always feels rejected and unloved. It just isn’t healthy. But at the same time, you know, you do you.

boatiechat:

polythought:

I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you’re someone who’s willing to listen and learn and potentially enlarge your worldview. On that note:

• You said, “Every open/poly relationship I have ever seen…” to which I would say: Remember that people in happy relationships tend to be quieter about them. You’re always going to hear when things go wrong. Drama is interesting. But when things go right? Those aren’t the people you’re hearing from. You probably have quietly happy poly friends you don’t even know are poly. So if the only open relationships you’ve seen have ended terribly, consider that you are probably only seeing a certain subsection of open relationships. I know all sorts of poly people who are not out to everyone about their relationships. And, if you’ve ever shared the views you just shared with me with people you know IRL, that might mean they deliberately don’t tell you about their happy poly relationships because they’ve already learned that you’re critical of polyamory. 
• I don’t really know what to say about your claims about “TRUE” love and one person loving the other more except to say that’s demonstrably false. Yes, I’m sure an imbalance like that happens sometimes. Consider that people often open unhealthy relationships in an attempt to save them (not a recommended course of action; it usually ends badly, like the situations you’ve described). But other people have open relationships because that’s how they’re true to themselves and it’s exactly how they are the best partner possible to other people. I can tell you this: I have known for years that I could never be married unless it was an open marriage. I knew that to experience “TRUE” love required me to be non-monogamous. I can’t be happy long-term in a monogamous relationship, no matter how good a relationship it is. But by being polyamorous, I am able to make long-term commitments (and have done so). This is what works for me…and I’m not the only one.
• It’s interesting that you say “one person always feels rejected and unloved.” I feel even more loved when I’m in an open relationship. Sound unlikely? I’ll explain. When I know that I’m not stopping someone from being with anyone else, then I know with great confidence that they’re with me for me. They’re not with me because they don’t know if they can get someone else. They’re not with me because they’re afraid to be single. They’re with me even though they have the ability to be with (and maybe are with) other people. This makes me feel chosen totally freely, and it makes me feel exceptionally loved. It’s pretty great.

A few other things to add:
– there doesn’t need to be “two original people”. Not all polyamorous relationships start with a closed couple. Starting like this and then “opening up” a relationship is a huge change, so of course there’s going to be people who realize it’s not for them. But you’re literally looking at only one type of scenario. 
A lot of polyamorous people are polyamorous even when they are single, and introduce themselves as such to potential partners. A lot of polyamorous people date other polyamorous people. A lot of polyamorous relationships start with people who already have other partners.
Some of those relationships end in heartbreak, some end amicably, some continue for a long time or just a few months … Just like monogamous relationships.
– being in a polyamorous relationship doesn’t have to make you feel unloved, unappreciated, or insecure. If that is how you would feel, then polyamory might not be for you (or, if you continue reading about it or discussing it, you might change your mind). A lot of people feel accomplished, understood and secure in polyamorous relationships. I know I do.